i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
