If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
