I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
