You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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