I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
