She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I cannot find my penis.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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