So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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