The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
