and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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