I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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