I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You were trust falling into bushes
My bed smells like the plague
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
