His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
