I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
