tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
