I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
