I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
