Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
