You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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