if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
