I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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