awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
