Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
