i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
