Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize