Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
