where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
