If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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