story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
