You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize