I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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