my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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