When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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