Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
