so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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