Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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