i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
