I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
