Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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