I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
