she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
