Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize