he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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