I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
