I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
