i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
