True but thats because hes a fetus.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
