u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I don't deserve a penis
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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