I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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