The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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