Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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