fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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