I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
