Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
