The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
