Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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