I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
