My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
