Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
