I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
