I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
