Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
